Research: The Bachelor

I admit I am shamelessly addicted to the Bachelor. Last night I pretended I wanted to watch it because of the pending injury to one of the girls but that was only part of it.
I enjoy watching it because I see some of my own behaviour reflected in the women. Not the silliness or the running around in bikinis. But I fall fast and hard the way many of these girls do.
Watching the show makes me wonder how they recover and how they bounce back.
Also, is it a bad thing to invest feelings in someone early in a relationship. I won’t call it love, it’s more the hope that this could be something great that might bring a lot of happiness.
I still have hope, but I’m making an effort not to crowd him. I don’t want hin to think I’m too full on. I’m also trying to get a bit of the power back do it’s not all his decision. I want my say.
Thanks for listening

Self control

Sigh after agreeing that we would wait and talk in person I messaged him today. Just to say I hoped he was ok and that he should know people care about him.
I’m too much of a girl I know. Even as I typed it I knew I shouldn’t send it. I want so badly for him to change his mind and realise we can try and work through this together that I’ll make myself look pathetic.
He read it straight after I sent it but because he has self control he didn’t reply. Of course I don’t feel good about him not replying but I’m not angry either.

Which brings me to today’s predicament – if men and women are so completely different in communication styles, how do we manage successful relationships?
How do we get around the fact that I want to talk when he’s more reserved?
How do I work out how he feels about me when we don’t communicate in the same way?

If he tells me he’s not interested I will be shattered. But maybe it’s what I need to hear.

At the moment we’re both hanging on, but maybe that’s wishful thinking on my part.

We’ll see. If I were talking to him I’d tell him we can help each other. I want him in my life and I’m selfishly hoping he wants me too.
Hopefully yours x

Independent Woman

After last night, I decided today needed to be more positive. So I’m focusing on some of the great things I have going on at the moment.
Two months ago, after a month overseas, I decided to move out of living with my mum and start living on my own. Partly this was because I found an apartment and fell in love.
Yes I’d just turned 28 and was still living at home but my mum travels a lot and needs someone to mind the fur-kids. And I love my mum and we are good friends, so it was good living with her.
But I knew I needed my own place. I had bits and pieces that had been stored away for 10 years. I wanted to have more space than just my bedroom.
And so when my leafy suburb apartment came up I was in! It’s perfect for me. I work in the city and it’s a 2min walk to the station. I’m happy to come home to it and like being able to flex my decorator skills.
I could never afford to buy something like it, but renting suits me. I’ve got an investment property with my mum. I’m pretty comfortable in my financial future and I’m proud with what I’ve achieved to date. I’ll keep working on building my financial wellbeing and I’ll be ok đŸ™‚

Pain and Sadness

A short note before I sleep.
I trust too easily. I fall for people too easily. It’s not love, I’m not that eager. But it is intense like and lust and caring.
I believe this is who I am and I don’t want to change it. Unfortunately it does carry with it a vulnerability to pain and sadness. I get myself hurt easily because I get more involved than my partner.
So that is where I am today. We met five months ago on a dating app. We both had holidays coming up but when we met we hit it off. He said all the right things and I drank it in. We talked while I was away and caught up when I got back.
Things got weird when he left. Before I left he said he missed me already, but didn’t even say goodbye before he left. We argued because I tried to give him an out – a free pass to stop whatever this was. So we didn’t stop.
When he got back he was having problems, and didn’t think he could be in a relationship until he sorted himself out. My head was already in this so I got upset but said I’d be here as a friend. Then he came to my place and I got caught up in the moment. The peace I felt having him here. I thought he felt it too, but then we had the just friends chat again and I felt broken.
I tried to give him an out again the other day and we argued. I said I needed to step back because he was becoming my happy place. But we said we needed to talk in person. So we’ve left it there for now.
The devastating thing for me is he’s what I want. But he doesn’t want to hear that. His stubbly chin, his eyes… I miss him even now. And it’s not fair. Because he will make the decision. I know what I want but he has the power.
I’m not sure what he would do if he was feeling better. All I know is I can’t fix him. The niggling voice in the back of my head says if he was fine he wouldn’t want me but I know that’s my own baggage talking.
I hope he decides we can try and do this together. No one deserves to be alone, no matter how broken they feel. I have hope at the moment, but I know that hope will get me hurt. And he feels bad because he’s hurting me…
This is where I am tonight, alone, listening to the rain and wishing he was here. I like the feeling I have around him. But maybe I should make the most of it because it may be over soon.

Some of you might read this and think I’m pathetic, or a bit crazy. I’m not. I’m just someone who falls too easily.
Goodnight x

The First

Today I decided to take a walk down memory lane and tell you about my first. Women can I hope understand this, as I don’t think I’m alone in having mixed feelings about this person and the time he was in my life. So here goes.
I was 14, my parents had recently divorced and I was beginning to turn into who I now acknowledge was a bit of a diva 16yo. Dad and I went to a family wedding and that’s where we met.
I had changed schools after the divorce and didn’t have a big group of friends. So I spent a lot of time with my best friend. The First was his best friend from school. The three of us spent most weekends together and I have some great memories from this time.
The First was the same age as me, we liked similar things and, from a teenage girl’s perspective, he was really cute! He played soccer and was a bit of a bad boy, and as I was starting to play up with my parents we were smoking and drinking. What can I say, we were teenagers!
He didn’t pressure me into anything and told me he was a virgin. So when we first had sex we were discovering it together. He was everything I wanted and I loved him.
The First and I were together for a year, and continued to see each other casually for six months after he ended it. What I didn’t find out til later was he ended it because he met someone else. He’d even lied about being a virgin. I was heartbroken. This was my first experience of having someone you love hurt you and it was a bad few months.
Somehow, despite the lies, the hurt and pain, he’s still someone I think about. My best friend is no longer friends with him either but still has him on Facebook. The First is married with a little kid. While I’ve achieved more education wise, he’s successful in what he’s doing.
I know now it never was a good relationship. He lied, we were both bitter teenagers and he was a serial cheat. But still, he’s The First. And probably this first relationship has had an impact on my relationships since.

So that’s my story for today.

About me

I decided today is the day to start a blog. I was reading someone else’s blog that had a similar concept but wanted to add my voice to the interwebs.  So here goes!
I’m a 28yo Australian sheila (for the sake of my moniker), born and raised in Melbourne. I’ve recently started living by myself in a leafy eastern suburb. I’m close to my family, have a nice network of friends and a good job.
All things said and done I’m happy most of the time. I have my moments, as I think we all do. But life is trucking along and I’m in the driver’s seat.
My one disappointment is at the moment I don’t have a Co pilot. I’ve had relationships but I’ve been single for a few years now and, despite my efforts with online and app dating and even paying a matchmaker, I’m still single.
This blog will focus on my dating adventures and my first time renting, with some travel stuff added in!
I hope you enjoy, I welcome comments as a conversation is better than me talking to myself!
Talk soon,